Vetinari You have two cows. You convince them they will better off with you alive and in control than not.

Sam Vimes You have two cows. They are probably guilty of something. Loitering, probably.

Young Sam Where are your cows? Those goes "baah." Those are sheep. They are not your cows.

Moist von Lipwig You steal two cows. You convince everyone they are made of gold and sell them for a fortune. You get arrested and become Minister of Agriculture.

Tiffany Aching You have two cows. An elf tries to steal them and you hit it with a frying pan.

Nac Mac Feegle Someone has two cows. You steal them, then fight them, then fight yourself. You win.

Rincewind You run away from cows.

Unseen University You have two cows. One is caught up in a magical accident and is now a chair. The other has become a professor.

Sybil Ramkin You have many cows. They aren't dragons, so you don't care. You have 37 dragons.

Nanny Ogg You have a cow and a bull. You enjoy explaining how they will make more cows.

Granny Weatherwax You wish Gytha would stop explaining how you get cows.

King Verence You try to create an economic plan for your country based on bovine products; your people are too busy listening to Nanny Ogg.