yumantimatter:

definitelynotwanderer:

Alright so now I want to talk about how amazing the Discworld universe is, because there are some crazy events and characters in it such as:

• The primary city in the series, Ankh-Morpork, getting infested by a living shopping mall
  
• Havelock Vetinari, tyrant of Ankh-Morpork, master manipulator and former assassin and his endless struggle against the fiendish crossword puzzles of a sweet old lady
• Death is actually a huge dork
• Death takes up farming for a bit because he gets fired for being a huge dork
• The worlds greatest conman gets coerced into becoming the worlds greatest mailman
• SAMUEL FUCKING VIMES
• All vampires think that if they spell their name backwards nobody will know it’s them
• A gang of crotchety old barbarians go to Mount Olympus so they can blow it up
• Garfield starts a Pied Piper protection racket
• A bunch of overweight elderly wizards attempt to take up football (soccer)

There’s so much more but this is what I’ve got for now.

@poorlydescribedpterrybooks 

shatar-aethelwynn:

Demons were like genies or philosophy professors - if you didn’t word things exactly right, they delighted in giving you absolutely accurate and completely misleading answers.

-Wyrd Sisters, by Terry Pratchett

wyomingsmustache:

The thing about Discworld, you see, is that it’s a very hopeful form of cynicism. It doesn’t just tell you that the world is crap, it says, well, yes, of course the world is crap, but that’s why you should be hopeful, and helpful, and kind, and why you have to be good, because maybe you can make it a little less crap.

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On the first day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me: 

Albert dressed as a pixie

On the second day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the third day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the fourth day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the fifth day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the sixth day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the seventh day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Seven cures for hangovers

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the eight day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Eight Wizards feasting

Seven cures for hangovers

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the ninth day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Nine guards a-dying

Eight Wizards feasting

Seven cures for hangovers

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

On the tenth day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Ten thousand pork pies*

Nine guards a-dying

Eight Wizards feasting

Seven cures for hangovers

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

*and a turnip that was pork pie shaped.

On the eleventh day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

Eleven nightmares scaring

Ten thousand pork pies*

Nine guards a-dying

Eight Wizards feasting

Seven cures for hangovers

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

*and a turnip that was pork pie shaped.

On the twelfth day of Hogswatch, my Grandpa gave to me:

+++ A Twelve Ram Skull Processor +++

Eleven nightmares scaring

Ten thousand pork pies*

Nine guards a-dying

Eight Wizards feasting

Seven cures for hangovers

Six Assassins scheming

Fiiiiive Auditooooooors

Four brand-new gods

Three dangerous presents,

Two unhelpful hints,

and Albert dressed as a pixie

*and a turnip that was pork pie shaped.

Witch Tip #154

morkaischosen:

kittydesade:

violent-darts:

onlyinankhmorpork:

dovewithscales:

copperbadge:

breelandwalker:

dharmagun:

youcantseebutimmakingaface:

witchtips:

Wearing a peach pit around your neck will ward off evil.

Bad witch tip: several peach pits and a sling shot will ward of everything else

worse witch tip: a few peach pits correctly distilled will produce cyanide, which should sort yer problems out nicely.

Chaotic Good, Chaotic Neutral, Chaotic Evil

Magrat, Nanny Ogg, Granny Weatherwax. 

Still worse witch tip: The skulls of the people you poisoned with the cyanide can be used in spells to compel the evil you were warding off to do your bidding.

aaaand there’s Black Aliss.

Long term tip: planting a peach-tree from the peach-pit will give you peaches, which taste good, and can be used to produce social alliances within the community, and also to make peaches and cream, which is I’ve found more effective at warding off evil than anything bar salt and iron. 

Plus other witches will then come to you looking for peach pits. 

While we’re talking about peaches, never accept them from suspiciously pretty men with pointy smiles and self-contradictory invitations. 

I don’t think it really needs saying at this point, but we have our Tiffany.